XXIX - I Wish I Thought Like You

When Leonardo, Romeu and Alex arrived at the Japanese restaurant, they found David already waiting for them. He was sitting inside, and was about half way through his second beer of the night. ‘I got here earlier than I expected, so I got started without you guys. Come on now, you gotta make up for the lost time and start drinking!

‘A cheers to the return of our estranged friend who has finally come back home!’ Said David, half an hour and a beer and a half later, prompting Leonardo, Alex and Romeu to clash their beers. In the meantime they had managed to catch up with David, and were already feeling the effect of the hastily consumed alcohol. 

‘Holy shit, this raw fish is really good!’ said Romeu, with his mouth still filled with salmon.

‘It’s not raw fish Romeu, it’s called Sushi,’ corrected him Leonardo.

‘It’s not raw fish?’ Romeu asked visibly confused.

‘I mean… yeah, but it’s called Sushi.’

‘Whatever, Sushi, raw fish, it’s all the same, I just know that it is pretty good. But anyways, tells us about your adventures. Why did it take you so long to come? You said you went to Morocco? Man, you gotta tell peoplethe places you go to, your mom even called me at some point to ask me if I knew where you were. Didn’t you tell her?’

‘No… I sort of needed some time to think, whithout anyone bothering me.’

‘To think about what?’

‘I don’t know, about live I suppose.’

‘About live? What about live?’

‘Everything I suppose. The meaning of life, why we do everything we do.’

‘Holy crap, that’s deep stuff man. I can’t imagine you found too many answers.’

‘Maybe not, but I think that I got to some answers.’

‘Like what?’

‘I realized, when I was standing alone in the desert, that I am like a grain of sand, carried by the wind from one place to another, small and insignificant.’

‘I’m sorry Leo, but that doesn’t sound like much of a discovery.’

‘You don’t think so?’

‘Not really, if you ask me.’

 ‘I don’t know, maybe you’re right, although I don’t agree with you.’

‘Can you tell me why?’

‘Well, realizing something as simple as that made me change the way I see my life and the word around me.’

‘How so?’

‘Before I used to think that, somehow, in some way, everything I did had a meaning and a purpose, but when I found myself looking at the desert sky I just realized how arrogant and stupid I was. The truth is that every path leads to the same destiny, which lies six feet beneath the ground. Not even the stars are eternal. Everything is constantly moving towards the end, one day at a time. That’s probably why society, religion and our families have tried so hard to convince us that the things we do are meaningful and important, the only problem is that it’s just not true.’

‘Yeah, but what do you conclude from all that?’ asked Romeu, slightly upset but engaged.

‘I’m not sure yet, but for starters, I know that there is no one path that I must follow. Nothing is written on the stars because not even the stars last forever even they are destined for destruction. Our time in this earth is limited and insignificant. So having a job, be part of society, do what my family tells me to do, obtain financial security, buying a house… everything is insignificant at the end. I’m willing to do most of those things, if not I probably wouldn’t be here right now, yet I know that it ultimately doesn’t really matter.

In comes society trying to make sense of everything and so a bunch of things are introduced in order to make sense of things like money, laws, religion, jobs, etiquette, ethics, social norms, careers, social status and so on. Yet the truth is that we’re all the same and we’re all going to the same place eventually. It’s all a castle made of sand, just waiting to be blown away by the wind. And if tomorrow I decided to turn my back on all of that, to turn my back on society, the world wouldn’t end, the gods wouldn’t get mad. It’s all constructions of the human mind, designed to give meaning to what is in fact meaningless.

‘So why did you come back?’

‘Honestly… I came back because I’m not sure about what to do with my life, so for now I prefer to believe in the lies again. I couldn’t resist the string pull of inertia, but at least I feel that I’m not so embroiled in the web of ignorance as I was before. I’m a prisoner, but now I know what I am.’

‘Leo, we have know each other for many year now, since we were kids, and I love you, but I think you’re a little bit mad,’ said Romeu, unconvinced by Leonardo’s drastic ideas.

‘Leo, if everything is meaningless, why do you get up every morning? Why did you just accept a job? Why do you keep living at all?’ asked Alex, always willing to discuss Leonardo’s crazy ideas, since he also had quite a few of his own.

‘It’s probably ‘cause we’re scared of facing the truth I think, although I think that most often we’re just not even aware of the truth at all. And some times, when we think hard enough and realize what the truth is, w try to forget it because it makes us feel like shit. Who wants to live a meaningless live after all? I don’t, I makes me feel, small, insignificant and stupid. I much prefer finding a job, write news that are supposed to matter and make enough money to finance a mortgage and feed two or three brats. Ignorance is bliss, ain’t that what they say?’

‘They do in The Matrix…’

‘We might not live inside a computer program, but we live in a world that doesn’t make a lot of sense to rational beings capable of questioning the reasons behind their existence but which are enable to find any answers. So it’s better to just turn into a sheep and follow society’s rules I suppose. I mean, that’s the best next thing after being an actual sheep… sheep, cows, horses they don’t ‘ave the problems we do after all. They just eat, piss, shit, mate and die and that’s it, everything comes naturally to them animals.’

And us, humans, we just had to become so smart didn’t we? Ask questions that we can’t get the answer to that is our prime ability. So here we are, in this sad predicament. So we try to come up with antidotes and we squeeze all of them in a little book that might as well be called: how to proceed in civilized society. We have all these rules, fears and insecurities and we work really hard to wash them away, to feel safe and important even though we’re none of those things. Some crazy, overly ambitious people, even dare to entertain the notion that they are somehow indispensable, but really it’s all a hairy lie. The real truth is that nothing makes any god damn sense and that there’s nothing there after we die. Everything we do we do because we’re terrified of dying, because we’re scared of being poor, fear of being beaten up, fear, fear, fear of everything. Fear to discover that WE ARE NOT INDISPENSABLE. And look at me now, a trainee at the Publico, just about to start my life in society. So when I get my first mortgage we ought to celebrate with some port wine. Then when I get married we can upgrade to champagne and so on. What do you want me to say dear friend, pragmatic thinking Romeu, other than I wish I thought like you?’

‘Shit Leo, you’re the most fucked up guy I know!’ said Romeu, shaking his head in visible disappointment. ‘The only way to get you to behave like everyone else is to get you drunk, and even then…’   

XXVIII - Old Friends

‘How much do you wanna bet that I can sink the black ball from here?’ Asked Alexandre, aka, Alex, with a grin on his face. His fingers were firmly gripped around the wooden cue, his sight was firmly fixed upon the green table surface and a confident look was undeniably printed on his visage. Curiously enough, Alexandre was actually probably the one guy on earth that Leonardo would never label as “self-confident”, except, of course, when he was anywhere around a pool table.  When he was playing pool however, oh that was a whole different story. You couldn’t find anyone as cocky as him.

            ‘It’s a hard ball to sink Alex… five euros on how you can’t do it’, challenged him Leonardo.

            ‘It’s your money…’ said Alex, before taking his shot. As he did, he allowed the cue to slide through his fingers, gently but firmly, sending the white ball speedily on its way. ‘I think that will be five euros please, Mr. Leonardo,’ he finally said, as the black ball sank into the pocket.

            Alexandre was one of Leonardo´s three greatest friends. They had first met each other years ago, when they were both students at the reputable Colégio Valssassina, one of Lisbon’s best schools. Throughout the years, they had seen each other grow up, as did their friendship.

            ‘I can see that you haven’t been practicing much. That’s too bad, especially ‘cause in England they have some of the best players in the world’, said Alex, mocking Leonardo.

            ‘I think that you’ve been practicing a lot, on the other hand. You’re playing quite well old friend, I would even dare say that you’re better than our dear friend Romeu’, said Leonardo, well aware that there was barely nothing else he could say that would make Alex happier. Alex and Romeu, another of Leonardo’s greatest friends and also an alumni of the Colégio Valsassina, had a long-running fierce sporting rivalry, that encompassed Pool, Snooker, Darts, Fussball, Bowling, Gran Turismo as well as a few other games. Leonardo enjoyed playing against them in all of those games, but years of successive and frequent defeat had convinced him not to take the rivalry as seriously as his friends.   

‘By the way, I think Romeu is on his way, so sooner or later he should show up. Did you talk to David?’

‘Yeah, he said he couldn’t meet us here, but he can meet us for dinner. I told him we could go to that nice Japanese restaurant in Alcântara where we go to sometimes. He’ll be expecting us there around eight.’

‘It sounds like a good idea. So, tell all about your first week at work! How did it go?’

‘Good… I think.’

‘Some more detail please?’

‘Well, basically I got there at eight in the morning on my first day, and the boss introduce me to some of my new coworkers. After that he left me at the care of a more experienced journalist so he could teach me how things work around there, teach me the basics… it wouldn’t be so bad except the guy is a jerk and he kept treating me as if I was some kind of disabled kid with learning problems. That was only the first two days though, after that I managed to get rid of him and start doing my own thing so it got better. Honestly though, the work so far is a lot less interesting and much less glamorous than I thought it would be. Actually, most of the time they just wanted me to translate some English articles, so basically I’m just a translator, rather than a real journalist.’

‘Start getting used to it my friend. I hope you weren’t entertaining the idealistic notion that working would be fun, since if that was the case I think you’re in for a hell of a disappointment. I had similar thoughts about my profession until I started spending eight hours a day writing Christmas cards. After that they put me in charge of stupid travel brochures, which is basically about lying as much as you can in order to make some shitty place seem good and interesting. Now I spend my valuable time writing slogans for boring   lawyers bureaus and companies that sell stuff like refrigerators or copying machines. Fun…I don’t think so man.

The good thing is that after a while you start getting used to throwing away eight hours of your day, so after that you can go home and stuff your stomach with food and your mind with American TV shows. Than you wake up the next day and do the exact same thing again, and again, and again. Man, it’s just like when we were at school, maybe a little bit better or worse depending on the point of view or your job of course. Well, at least you’re not a male prostitute so that’s something you can be glad about.’

‘That’s an interesting way to put things Alex, although becoming a male prostitute was never really one of my options.’

‘So you can feel glad because of that. I don’t think a lot of people get into the line of business unless they’re pretty desperate. That leads me to the most important truth there is in the world and one you might wanna get comfy with.’

‘What’s that?’ Asked Leonardo, equal parts amused and disturbed.

‘People do what they do to earn money and that’s it. Depressing but true. That’s the mantra modern society lives by.’

‘Oh, oh, are you having one of your deep talks again? Come on guys, let’s talk about good things now that I’m here!’ said Romeu who burst into the snooker place, quickly strolling towards Leonardo and Alexandre.

‘My good friend Romeu’, said Leonardo giving him a friendly hug, ‘I thought I was gonna have to wait even longer to see you man. You’re so busy now that you can’t even meet up with your friend who has just returned home after a year’s absence?’

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you anytime sooner Leo, I wanted to see you as soon as I got back from Algarve but I had to work really crazy hours to make up for the time I was away. But the important thing is that I’m here now and we have the whole weekend to hang out. You’re gonna have to tell me all about your crazy trips. You look really skinny, didn’t they fee you in England?’

‘I lost a few kilos in Morocco, I think I got food poisoning there or something, I threw up for three days straight.’

‘Leo, Leo, Leo, you and your crazy travels… yet now I hope that we get to keep you for a while before you decide to leave again. How does it feel to be back here “in the village”? This ain’t exactly like England but there’s no place like home.’

‘Actually in my case it might be a bit more complicated than that...’ thought Romeu, quickly sweeping the thought to a side. ‘Anyways Romeu my boy, is it just me but Alex here got a lot better at this game? He just beat me three times in the last half and hour.’

‘It’s not you he’s better than me now, I have to admit. I think that he must come here everyday after work because I almost never beat him anymore.’

‘Come on Romeu, you don’t need to exaggerate, you’re still a good match for me. Speaking about that, what about if we play a game before leaving? We have to meet David at Alcântara at eight.’

‘That sounds like a good idea’, said Romeu ‘Leonardo and me against you Alex, maybe we’ll beet your cocky ass this time for a change…’

It didn’t quite turn out that way, since once again Alex didn’t waste the opportunity of showing off his skills, honed laboriously throughout many hours of practice. After that, the three friends headed for Alcântara, in order to meet David, the other of Leonardo’s three best friends.   

XXVII - A New Beginning

‘So Leonardo, tell us how the interview went. Rui is a nice guy isn’t he?’ Asked Manuel, who was sitting at the head of the dinner table. Leonardo was sitting by his left, whereas Leonardo’s mum sat right across the table from Manuel. Pedro, the middle son, was sitting at her right, and Lili, the youngest of the three children sat by her left side.

            ‘Yeah, he’s quite nice, and the interview went well…’ 

            ‘So? Did you get the job?’ Asked his mother, visibly agitated. She was now leaned over the table, starring intensely at Leonardo, her eyes wide open, almost threatening to jump out from their orbits out of sheer excitement.

            ‘…Yeah, I think so. He said he was gonna call me tomorrow, but I think he liked me, so I’m somewhat confident.’ Hearing that, his mother seemed quite relieved and happy and lost no time, congratulating him on the spot. ‘I just told you it’s not certain yet mum, I think there’s a good chance but you never know. In any case, I think that even if I get hired I’ll start as a trainee or something like that, at least for the first three months or so.’

            ‘Well, I guess we’ll see then, but you should allow yourself to be optimistic for once. Those are amazing news! My son, a journalist! And not only just a journalist, but a reporter in one of the best newspapers in the country… I’m very proud of you son.’

            ‘Mum… really, I don’t want you to get too excited about this. It’s just an internship really, and I’ll have to wait till tomorrow until I know for sure if I’m gonna get hired or not.’

            ‘Maybe mum we’ll stop calling you a bum now Leonardo!’

            ‘Yeah, maybe I’ll stop calling him a bum and I’ll start calling you one instead,’ answered Rosa, clearly molested by her youngest son’s sarcastic intervention. Leonardo and Lili however found the brother’s comment rather amusing and couldn’t avoid giggling a bit.

            ‘Rosa…’ said Manuel calmly, who was rather used to playing the part of moderator in the household’s frequent quarrels, which quite often involved the matriarch and her offspring.

            ‘But it’s true Manuel! Haven’t you seen his latest school report? He has to change!’ Argued Rosa, quite passionately.

            ‘He knows that he needs to start paying more attention to his grades honey, there’s no need to bring up now again, especially when where talking about Leonardo. You’re going to study harder like you promised us right Pedro?’

            ‘Yes dad…’ answered the boy, partially thankful to his dad for protecting him, but dreading the thought of studying harder.

            In the morning of the following day Leonardo woke up to the sound of his cell phone ringing.

            ‘Hello. How is this?’

            ‘Leonardo? This is Rui Pereira, from Publico.’

            ‘Oh hello Rui, how are you doing?’

            ‘Fine, thanks. I told you I was going to call you today to inform you of my decision so I’m calling you because of that.’

            ‘Yes…’

            ‘… Would you consider accepting an three-month paid internship?’

            ‘That sounds great Rui… thank you so much, my parents are going to be thrilled when I tell them…’

            ‘You’re welcome son. You start next Monday so make sure you get some rest in the next few days. We’ll be expecting you next Monday at eight a.m.’

‘I’ll be there. Thank you once more.’

‘You’re welcome Leonardo, congratulations.’

After Rui Pereira hung up, Leonardo felt a little bit weird, he felt both happy and sad at the same time. He knew that that phone call represented a new beginning, and the promise of things to come was exciting. He also felt proud for having earned his place in society, although Manuel had played a huge part in helping him find and get that job. He was also glad because he knew how happy his mum would be, and maybe this meant that she would finally stop bugging all the time about not having a job. And yet, in spite of all these good things and happy thoughts there was this feeling… it was as if he could hear, echoing from the deeps of his soul, a sinister cry of pain that reflected a kind of sadness that was vast and enduring.  

XXVI - Job Interview

This was the first time that Leonardo had agreed to wear a shirt with buttons on it and wear shoes without the brand Converse stamped on them in a long time. Yet this was no regular day, today was the first job interview in the life of young Leonardo.

            As he shook the hand of the man in front of him, Leonardo felt slightly uneasy, a wet chill sliding down his spine. So I guess this is how you feel when you become an adult.

The man sitting across the table seemed to be well into his forties and had inquisitive dark brow eyes.  If everything went well, he would become Leonardo’s first boss. ‘Hello Leonardo, it’s nice to finally meet you. You seem a little bit nervous, is this your first job interview?’

‘Yes sir’, answered Leonardo sincerely.

As the man smiled benevolently, he revealed a row of yellowish teeth, aligned beneath his hefty black mustache. ‘Don’t worry Leonardo, it’s normal to be a little bit nervous in a job interview, especially if it’s your first, but I assure you that you don’t need to be,’ the man said, reassuringly.

‘Thanks…’

            ‘I remember my first job interview quite well actually. I was terribly nervous but I guess the interviewer liked me anyways because he ended up hiring me. That was when I first became a journalist. Unlike you, I lived in a small town back then and it was a small newspaper. Yet here I am today, so I really can’t complaint. Before asking you any formal questions though, if you don’t mind I would like to ask you something that is slightly more personal. Your father is a good friend of mine and I know that he probably arranged this interview before even speaking to you, so I want you to tell me if you’re here because you really want this job or if you’re here just because he told you to come?’

            Leonardo thought carefully for a moment. ‘Sir, the truth is that I’m not sure… as I told you before, this is my first time applying for a job in my whole life, so I’m not sure what I feel about it at all. If it wasn’t for Manuel I wouldn’t be standing in front of you right now, I’m sure of that. And I know that I’m not sure what I really want to do with my life yet, and that is the truth… but I feel that I could use this opportunity to see if this is what I want to do. So the only thing I can tell you is that if you give me this opportunity I’ll try to learn fast and dedicate myself as much as I can… even if I can’t tell you now, for sure, if this is the job that I want to have for the rest of my life…’

             ‘I appreciate you being honest with me Leonardo… sincerity is not a very common quality in candidates… actually, as you will soon find out, sincerity is one of the rarest quality in people in general…’